So very, very stressed out.

I'm not sure why, but since the fire, my head hasn't been on quite so straight. I think it was probably my fear of a terrible disaster that has stayed with me since then. I'm so stressed with school - I can hardly bear it. I have so much responsibility on my shoulders, and deadlines keep popping up everywhere. Along with this, I'm broke. Absolutely broke, this time. No paycheck until next Thursday, and I have $30. I felt bad today buying lunch at the caf, but this weird pizza thing was only $2, which wasn't too bad.

But either way, I guess I'm just feeling really anxious. I don't have much work in my final portfolio, but I feel like I'm creating artwork constantly. Nothing's good enough, I guess, to me. I stress myself about it too much. It bothers me a lot. I just feel like I'm really behind, though I'm younger. I feel like more is expected of me because of all the work I take on. I'm pretty much digging my own grave by saying "yes" to everything that comes up, but I need work to put in my portfolio and to put on my resume. No one will hire me otherwise. So in the meantime I'm wearing myself to the bone making tons and tons of free art, just to promote myself and actually look like an artist.

I feel like I don't have as many friends as I should, at my age. I'm 20, I should be out going to parties every night, not building my final college portfolio. I have Lindsay and Alex, and I feel really close to them, but I don't get to see Lindsay that often. And even Alex is busy leading her own life while I'm stuck in front of my computer every night. I feel unappealing, like not-good friend material. I feel like I'm lacking so much, and I don't know how to improve.

Linda Bond and I had a long talk about me. I tend to hate everyone initially so that I don't feel hurt when I find they don't like me either. I put up big barriers between myself and everyone else, and it has a lot to do with my ego. While I prefer to be a listener and an empathizer, I'm very prided and tend to put myself on a pedestal. I think it's because I'm so defensive, and I think it's because I've let myself be abused in the past. All I have is my art, and my talent, and I have to be someone who makes it. I don't care how hard I have to work to get there - I just need it. It's the only thing I like about myself, sometimes.

So when I see people who aren't so driven and focused and motivated towards impossible goals like I am, I tend to look down on them. I feel like there's a level we as artists should be by this age, and I feel like I'm trying harder than everyone else. Perhaps I'm overcompensating because of my age and because of my other insecurities.


Either way, it's too exhausting to feel this way all the time, but it's how it is. My birth control keeps getting fucked up halfway through the month (not like I see Jared enough to risk getting pregnant), and it's screwing with my hormones. I feel like crying a lot of the time. I have trouble looking people in the eyes sometimes.


I just want this to get easier. I need it to. Things are too hard to stay like this.
My heart hurts.

Just because...

Just because you woke up on the right side of the bed doesn't mean you won't have a nervous breakdown in the middle of critique for no reason.

My head hurts. My brain hurts. I'm tired of always worrying about what people think of me. It's too exhausting.


It wasn't 'til I woke up
That I could hold down a joke
Or a job
Or a dream
But then, all three are one in the same
Yeah, all three are one in the same

My Morning Jacket - One In The Same

ANIME ANIME ANIME

I'm too unsure as to whether or not I should post this on my real blog.

So here's Asuka from Evangelion!

Frustrated.

Frustrated, angry. Exasperated.
I have SO MANY ASSIGNMENTS right now, and the whole back-and-forth thing is driving me crazy right now. One of my clients refuses to email me, even after 5 or 6 emails, while the other is just right except for my teacher butting in and giving as making the client reconsider my progress.

However, in real life, I have a tattoo commission, which is working out fine. I just did a window painting for a business, and it went fine. So why is all my FAKE commission work more complicated than the real shit?


Either way, I just need to figure this out.

And I found out I'm highly allergic to Rives BFK paper, about halfway into a 3-foot drawing. My arms won't stop itching. Blah.

TIME FOR PRODUCTIVITY.

It's the end of the world.

Well, no. It's not.

But I miss Jared a lot. It's hard to have your heart filled up to burst and then deflated once someone's gone. He makes everything so bright and colorful when he's around, which makes me world look dark and ugly when he leaves.

He hand-made me a Valentine that said "I love you" in like, 12 different languages (including binary). He put a LOT of effort into it, and it's beautiful.

My heart hurts, I think. If it were a color, it would be blue.


Time to go on with life the way it is until I can see him again. I hate to be such a downer, but sometimes you have to be sad to appreciate the happy times.

Jared did eat a (mostly) whole squid though when we went out to dinner. That was pretty excellent. And we bought lots of asian candy and foods and things. We went on long walks and had dates and did everything I've always wanted to do in a relationship. He bought me a rose in downtown crossing.

He makes me feel so special, precious. It's difficult to not want to feel that way all the time.


But I'll just work hard for now and make him proud. I love him.

Cranky post so I'm not cranky at everything else.

I have educated myself better on the whole student government, and I'm not cranky anymore.

Everything has been figured out.
So all is well. <3



/hissyfit

Today my Dad came by.

He couldn't stay long - he had to meet his new accountant.
But he came right up to my front door like a gentleman and asked to see my apartment. He didn't care that we'd had a party the night before - he didn't care that I had an empty beer can on my desk. He was excited to see Sarah and gave her a hug; he met Harley, Sarah's boyfriend, too.

We got in his brand new used truck and we went to Panera for lunch. He'd already eaten, but he bought me a little egg souffle thing (which was awesome). He unloaded his stresses about the bills and the house and his job, and I nodded and smiled and joked with him while he described the boat he wants (a $1250 fixer-upper). He listened to me talk about my stresses, but I tried to mention as many accomplishments as I could, to reassure him that I'm doing well and that I'm sorry college is so expensive but I need money for the rent and I'm going to be on the cover of a book, so please be proud of me.

He told me I'm doing great, and he told me to sit when I got up asked him if he wanted to leave. He wanted to talk more, which meant a lot to me. I don't get to see my Dad much.

He came into Blick with me and met my manager Ben. He asked me a lot of questions about things in the store, so I felt special knowing all the answers and being able to teach him something.

He dropped me off at my studio so I could work, and he headed off. I went upstairs to work. A minute later, he called me on the phone - I assumed I had forgotten my wallet or something and that he'd have to drive all the way back.

But instead, he said, "I just wanted to tell you that I think you're the most beautiful girl in the world. Whatever you decide to do, I just want you to know that I think you're fantastic just the way you are, and that I don't tell you how pretty you are often enough. I love you, and you're my beautiful girl."

I joked with him in defense of how sweet and honest that was, and when he hung up, I started bawling my eyes out in my studio. My Dad is so tough and so goal-oriented that he forgets to stop and think about simpler things, sometimes. I get a lot of my fire from him.



You're right Dad, you never tell me enough.

But thank you for telling me today.