Cranky.

Pretty cranky right now. Not so psyched with the faculty at MassArt. I feel like there's so much riding on Stephen's and my shoulders for SGA. So far, we've gotten no thanks for putting together the All School Show from ANY faculty besides Andy Fish. In fact, he was the only one who even asked me how it was going throughout the month-long process it took to put together. The only thing any other faculty asked was when the show was.

Maybe they'll thank us when they see how great everything turned out. Either way, I've seen no gratitude for ANYTHING else Stephen and I have done.

For the two field trips last year, I made flyers. I couldn't even go on either of the field trips because I had to work. But I still made them and gave people plenty of time to prepare. I was responsible.

And for the t-shirt contest, due to the amount of time and energy Stephen and I spend on our school work, it just couldn't happen last semester. Things were too hectic, and I feel like we made a lot of people sad. But we had no help! I don't even know how to silkscreen on fabric.

For the most recent field trip coming up to the Society of Illustrators in New York, we got so little money from the budget that in order to get there, we'd have to take the Fung Wah bus. "The faculty" told Stephen that was no good, and that we should get a real bus instead. He told her that we didn't have the money to, and "the faculty" suggested that they might maybe help with the cost then. But I haven't seen a dime from the department since I've been at MassArt.

Regarding the Surtex trip in May, the same thing happened. We were asked to cut our t-shirt contest budget to account for the trip, when the department had already told us they were paying for the whole thing. It pisses me off - you can't ask us at the last minute. SGA money is for student run activities, not department field trips.

Also, just the fact that students are expected each year to participate in SGA and support the department is ludicrous. Students have work to be doing. The faculty should be at least HELPING run things, working out the budgets with SGA reps or even just showing them how to fill out the freaking paperwork.

What I'm getting at is that, for the amount of work that Stephen and I put in to support the students in our department (as well as the faculty), we get no love. No pat on the back. No "Thanks for putting the time in to run all of our events while maintaining perfect attendance and producing professional-quality artwork." Nada.

So fuck Illustration. I can't wait to graduate. If it weren't for people like Andy and Mister Roosh working there, I'd go fucking insane.

Blah.

dump dump

idea for 3rd postcard.

So very, very stressed out.

I'm not sure why, but since the fire, my head hasn't been on quite so straight. I think it was probably my fear of a terrible disaster that has stayed with me since then. I'm so stressed with school - I can hardly bear it. I have so much responsibility on my shoulders, and deadlines keep popping up everywhere. Along with this, I'm broke. Absolutely broke, this time. No paycheck until next Thursday, and I have $30. I felt bad today buying lunch at the caf, but this weird pizza thing was only $2, which wasn't too bad.

But either way, I guess I'm just feeling really anxious. I don't have much work in my final portfolio, but I feel like I'm creating artwork constantly. Nothing's good enough, I guess, to me. I stress myself about it too much. It bothers me a lot. I just feel like I'm really behind, though I'm younger. I feel like more is expected of me because of all the work I take on. I'm pretty much digging my own grave by saying "yes" to everything that comes up, but I need work to put in my portfolio and to put on my resume. No one will hire me otherwise. So in the meantime I'm wearing myself to the bone making tons and tons of free art, just to promote myself and actually look like an artist.

I feel like I don't have as many friends as I should, at my age. I'm 20, I should be out going to parties every night, not building my final college portfolio. I have Lindsay and Alex, and I feel really close to them, but I don't get to see Lindsay that often. And even Alex is busy leading her own life while I'm stuck in front of my computer every night. I feel unappealing, like not-good friend material. I feel like I'm lacking so much, and I don't know how to improve.

Linda Bond and I had a long talk about me. I tend to hate everyone initially so that I don't feel hurt when I find they don't like me either. I put up big barriers between myself and everyone else, and it has a lot to do with my ego. While I prefer to be a listener and an empathizer, I'm very prided and tend to put myself on a pedestal. I think it's because I'm so defensive, and I think it's because I've let myself be abused in the past. All I have is my art, and my talent, and I have to be someone who makes it. I don't care how hard I have to work to get there - I just need it. It's the only thing I like about myself, sometimes.

So when I see people who aren't so driven and focused and motivated towards impossible goals like I am, I tend to look down on them. I feel like there's a level we as artists should be by this age, and I feel like I'm trying harder than everyone else. Perhaps I'm overcompensating because of my age and because of my other insecurities.


Either way, it's too exhausting to feel this way all the time, but it's how it is. My birth control keeps getting fucked up halfway through the month (not like I see Jared enough to risk getting pregnant), and it's screwing with my hormones. I feel like crying a lot of the time. I have trouble looking people in the eyes sometimes.


I just want this to get easier. I need it to. Things are too hard to stay like this.
My heart hurts.