So very, very stressed out.

I'm not sure why, but since the fire, my head hasn't been on quite so straight. I think it was probably my fear of a terrible disaster that has stayed with me since then. I'm so stressed with school - I can hardly bear it. I have so much responsibility on my shoulders, and deadlines keep popping up everywhere. Along with this, I'm broke. Absolutely broke, this time. No paycheck until next Thursday, and I have $30. I felt bad today buying lunch at the caf, but this weird pizza thing was only $2, which wasn't too bad.

But either way, I guess I'm just feeling really anxious. I don't have much work in my final portfolio, but I feel like I'm creating artwork constantly. Nothing's good enough, I guess, to me. I stress myself about it too much. It bothers me a lot. I just feel like I'm really behind, though I'm younger. I feel like more is expected of me because of all the work I take on. I'm pretty much digging my own grave by saying "yes" to everything that comes up, but I need work to put in my portfolio and to put on my resume. No one will hire me otherwise. So in the meantime I'm wearing myself to the bone making tons and tons of free art, just to promote myself and actually look like an artist.

I feel like I don't have as many friends as I should, at my age. I'm 20, I should be out going to parties every night, not building my final college portfolio. I have Lindsay and Alex, and I feel really close to them, but I don't get to see Lindsay that often. And even Alex is busy leading her own life while I'm stuck in front of my computer every night. I feel unappealing, like not-good friend material. I feel like I'm lacking so much, and I don't know how to improve.

Linda Bond and I had a long talk about me. I tend to hate everyone initially so that I don't feel hurt when I find they don't like me either. I put up big barriers between myself and everyone else, and it has a lot to do with my ego. While I prefer to be a listener and an empathizer, I'm very prided and tend to put myself on a pedestal. I think it's because I'm so defensive, and I think it's because I've let myself be abused in the past. All I have is my art, and my talent, and I have to be someone who makes it. I don't care how hard I have to work to get there - I just need it. It's the only thing I like about myself, sometimes.

So when I see people who aren't so driven and focused and motivated towards impossible goals like I am, I tend to look down on them. I feel like there's a level we as artists should be by this age, and I feel like I'm trying harder than everyone else. Perhaps I'm overcompensating because of my age and because of my other insecurities.


Either way, it's too exhausting to feel this way all the time, but it's how it is. My birth control keeps getting fucked up halfway through the month (not like I see Jared enough to risk getting pregnant), and it's screwing with my hormones. I feel like crying a lot of the time. I have trouble looking people in the eyes sometimes.


I just want this to get easier. I need it to. Things are too hard to stay like this.
My heart hurts.